When Sinners Say "I Do"

So my nephew and his fiance asked Miles and I before they got married for marriage advice and some books.  We talked with them for awhile, and then they said that the best book they had read so far was When Sinners Say "I Do" by Dave Harvey.  They gave us a copy of it, and it sat on my shelf of "books to read" for about a year.  I really don't enjoy reading, but I always have high hopes that I will read more.  With my background in psychology, I've read a huge number of books about marriage, so I figured this was just going to be another one. 

Well, one day, I decided to pick it up and start reading. It was good from the start.  Why was it good?  Because it is biblical.  I have read so many books about all kinds of topics that try to integrate psychology and Scripture, but psychology usually takes precedence.  This book is biblical.  It doesn't allow people to make excuses. 

I'm not finished the book yet, but I just read a chapter about examining yourself in a conflict.
1.  In humility, suspect yourself first. 
2.  In integrity, inspect yourself.
3.  Admit that circumstances only reveal existing sin.
4.  Focus on undeserved grace, not unmet needs.

We must always humbly and honestly suspect that our sin is present, and it is playing a role in the conflict.  We are so quick to recognize our spouse's sin, but it takes a lot of humility and honesty to admit that we aren't being patient or we aren't being loving or we are being selfish, etc.  Our sin (being impatient, unloving, and selfish) is already present; the heat of the conflict magnifies them.

These four points are all so important, and ignored in our society.  Miles & I work hard at the first three. It was the last point that was most got my attention.  I see it so much.  Psychology encourages us to express our needs and be honest with people.  The biggest problem with this, is that we don't know the difference between our needs and our desires.  There is nothing wrong with wanting an affectionate touch from your spouse, and a godly spouse will try to do this.  However, it is a desire, not a need.  There is nothing wrong with wanting a kind word of encouragement, and a godly spouse will try to do this.  Again, it is a desire, not a need.  Instead of worrying about your "needs" that aren't being met, focus on giving grace . . . which by definition is undeserved and has been offered to you interminably. 
Have you read James?  
 ¹ What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? ² You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.(James 4:1-2)
It is our desires that cause quarrels among us, not our needs. 

Have you read what Jesus teaches?   
²⁷ “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, ²⁸ bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. ²⁹ If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. ³⁰ Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. ³¹ Do to others as you would have them do to you.

   ³² “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. ³³ And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. ³⁴ And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. ³⁵ But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. ³⁶ Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. (Luke 6:27-36)

 
Divorce is often based on "irreconcilable differences", but if you read this passage . . . you are going to have a difficult time convincing God of that.  He commands turning the other cheek if someone slaps you.  He commands giving to people who take from you.  He commands that you give to everyone who asks (even if you are constantly giving and not getting anything in return).  This is a difficult passage, but it would save a lot of marriages. 

So just some food for thought . . . are you inspecting yourself humbly and honestly?  Are you aware of your sin?  Are you extending grace to your spouse?